Stuck in someone else's frames? break free!


YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS AN EASTER BUNNY


It was a dark and stormy night. Lord Bacon,scrambling for cover after his latest humiliation, slipped in the sad remains of Humpty Dumpty, and dizzily stood up, with egg on his face and his boiled shirt stained.

As the clouds parted briefly for the silvery moon, he saw Henny Penny tip-toeing across the quad, casting furtive glances from side to side, hoping against hope that she wasn't being watched.

Lord Bacon approached her, and imperiously said, "Aha! From what vile deed are you escaping?"

"Oh," she cried, "I was in the thornbush with Cock Robin, getting laid, when I saw the poachers skulking about,
wielding their nets."

Lord Bacon, leering evilly, raised one eyebrow, and archly suggested that they repair to the nearest bistro and get fried. As they strode along the lane, Henny Penny continued with her hare-raising tale, and as more bunnies
emerged from their burrows, she became increasingly frightened.

They were both startled when, out of the shadows (for the moon was once again behind a cloud), leapt the largest rabbit Henny Penny had ever seen.

"Gadzooks!," exclaimed Lord Bacon, in his most strident voice. "Harvey, how many times must I speak to you about lurking amidst the shadows, bounding out into the paths
of innocent strollers-by, scaring them out of their alleged
wits?"

"Take a chill-pill, Dude," said Harvey, in his new street vernacular. "I'm on my way to the Egg-Ball Cocktail Lounge and Bait Shop to suck up a few brews, consort with the
hoi-polloi, and pick up on some doxies. Wanna go with me?
Where'd you nab the cute chick?"

Lord Bacon, ever retaining his dignity, replied coolly, "This 'cute chick' just happens to be Henny Penny, who is best known for her facility with cutting instruments."

Harvey shivered, and timorously queried, "She's not in competition with the Rabbi, is she?" Well, that frosted
Lord Bacon, and he turned up his nose, said something about "crass, ill-mannered lout," and continued his walk toward the tavern.

So the three of them strolled the lane, together, laughed at the rain, together, and ultimately, they reached their destination.

Were they blind, they could have found the place. The sounds of riotous merriment emanating from the premises
would even have enticed Ebenezer Scrooge. They went inside, and were seated immediately. The waitress came to their table, and with utmost refinement, said, "Hi, folks. What'll ya have?"

Lord Bacon, always in charge of every situation, and having had an on-again, off-again relationship with the waitress, felt confident in his ability to order for the three of them. He commanded, "Eggs, Mrs. Benedict," to which she replied, "Shirr, Lord Bacon."

Henny Penny still had not unruffled her feathers, and told Mrs. Benedict that she wanted hassenpfeffer. Harvey, predictably, ordered fried chicken.

Lord Bacon, in an attempt to mollify his two companions, suggested that they all change their orders, to something that would offend nobody.

At that point, Snow White walked in with her small followers. They had been out shoplifting, and were heavily laden. They had also held up a convenience store, and generously ordered a round of nog for everybody. She was
really angry at her husband, Higgledy Piggledy, because he
had berated her for not being "productive," and he lorded
over her the fact that he always was the one to bring home the bacon. Lord Bacon astutely pointed out that he hadn't been at their house since the last time the wolves blew it down, and he resented Higgledy Piggledy's casual name-dropping.

Snow White was in her glory. She had the funds to buy drinks for all the patrons of the Egg-Ball, and, besides,
had brought enough apples (which she stole from her wicked step-mother), so that everyone there could have one to munch while drinking their nog. She'll show H.P. who can be "productive!"

Henny Penny and Harvey agreed to change their food orders, and were about to hail Mrs. Benedict and ask her to return to their table, when the trumpeters blared a brilliant
fanfare, and everybody in the place stood up, catching their breath, brushing crumbs off their bibs, and assuming
expressions of awe. They knew that the trumpeters had
spotted the goose who laid golden eggs, on her way to the
Egg-Ball.

Not only did the goose have the respect and admiration of everyone, but, in addition, her groupies secretly hoped to be present when she laid a golden egg, so they could share in the bounty.

In she came. She did not sweep majestically in as she usually did; she slunk in, head hanging low, waddling
most awkwardly. She was pale, and she obviously had no
lists. It only took a few seconds for everybody to realize
that something was drastically, desperately amiss. The
romantic Ms. Harlequin was really taken aback by Loosey's
behavior, and opined that it was "Rilly ironic that Loosey
got the fanfare when she was abjectly disturbed."

Of course, it fell to Lord Bacon to elicit the information they all wanted. He most tactfully cleared his throat, spat on the floor, and said, "Loosey, what troubles you? Has Ghandis left you for another?"

Harvey, with his irrepressible sense of humor, commented, "We all like an extra goose now and then...," which
comment, of course, was met with disdain.

Loosey rolled her eyes, and lamented that she was apparently in the process of clutching out, because her eggs, instead of being golden, changed to a rich brown color. Not only that, but, she whimpered, "They have these hard crusts of colored bits on top, and the bottoms of the eggs are flat. The colors are pretty, but sometimes they rub me the wrong way, so to speak." At that very moment, her eyes got big, she cringed, squawked mightily, and out came an egg!

Henny Penny, having tired of waiting for the waitress to bring their food, pranced over to Loosey, as though to console her in her travail. At the last moment, she veered off her course, maneuvered around behind Loosey, and pecked at the big brown egg with the pink and yellow flowers on top.

Harvey called her "almost a cannibal;" Lord Bacon suggested that she had no ruth, or couth, to peck at Loosey's egg at a time like this when she was so sad; Mrs. Benedict angered, because she knew her tip would now be smaller (since Loosey was now apparently serving); and Henny Penny, not wanting to share, announced that Loosey was a litter-bug, laying garbage eggs, but she, Henny Penny, would lower herself and clean up after Loosey. She asked Mrs. Benedict if she had a baggie.

Mrs. Benedict walked briskly to the kitchen, and asked the Grinch for a take-out container. The Grinch, evil, sinister character that he was, looked through the trash and found a small box with a cellophane window in it. It was hot but Mrs. Benedict wasn't surprised, because she knew the Grinch would steal anything.

Lord Bacon saw the container, and pedantically said, "My, what a redundant box! It has a cellophane window, through which any idiot can easily see, and it even gives directions! 'See's,' it says, reiterating the function of
the window. Why, it's almost like repeating itself!"

Harvey, by this time, was weary of Lord Bacon's officiousness, and his manner of taking charge, besides.
Henny Penny's sneaky deception also irked him to the max. He reached into his pouch, and brought forth beautifully
decorated, chocolate eggs for everybody!

And a good time was had by all.

The moral of this story is that rather than viewing the celebration of Easter from a mere superficial aspect, we
should all realize the deeper meaning of the holiday. We
should all get down on our knees, lift up our hearts and our spirits, and be reverently thankful to the merchant See men, and See women, who bring us CHOCOLATE!


 

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