Continuing the current trend back towards turn-of-the-century monopolies
it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah
will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were
not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of
having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming
prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world
will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen
Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs
are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest
hit. As
part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle
happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic
"Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that
Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering of their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking
points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was
the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies
for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came
last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover
of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger
between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering
of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive
balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present
in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
