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The History Of The World

This was a compilation of lines from student papers, collected by history
and English teachers, and put together by Richard Lederer; published in Ann Landers' column 7 27 2000:

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote ``Donkey Hote.'' John Milton wrote ``Paradise Lost.'' Then, his wife died, and he wrote ``Paradise Regained.''

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790, and is still dead.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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